Loneliness – Alexander J Hernandez

Continuing with the topic of loneliness and my representation of it (I’m going to need to write something positive after this), we come to…

The Abyss

At times I feel as if I were in a abyss. To describe this sense, imagine a hollow cylinder with no apparent bottom, it simply goes on into infinite darkness. And, it has a radius barely wider than the span of your arms. There is a kind of ceiling or opened portal at the relative top. Now, imagine a representation of your mind lowered into this cylinder, kept perfectly in line with its center, so you are unable to reach out and touch its surface.

Let’s begin with having your avatar’s head above the open portal. Gazing around you can see others positioned just like you. They are far away enough to where conversation is difficult, but possible with shouting.

A thought comes along. Perhaps in response to a life event; such as the death of a loved one, or the rejection of a once perceived friend. A part of you knows that you’ll have to get over it at some point. But, the weight of the experience causes the thought to push you down into the cylinder. Now your nose is in line with the opening. A dulling sensation begins to take hold in your feet. You ignore it.

Next, you find yourself alone at a social event. You came with people, but have been left while they socialize with others. As time goes on, you find yourself unable to enter any of the micro group’s conversations. Each attempt is rebutted, and you are politely shunned. Those you came with have made the night their own. While yours is held in the cold embrace of uncertainty.

You think to leave, but hesitate out of the desire to prove them wrong. This indecision has you caught between emotions. Until eventually you can stomach the public isolation no more and leave.

Your steps away add weight to the thought pressing down upon you. You panic as the rest of you passes beneath the portal. The sensation that began as a simple dulling, has become a chilling grip that claws its way up your body.

If you are lucky, or strong willed enough, you are able to lessen the burden and slowly rise back up through the portal. But, for those that know no such reprieve, further they sink.

Gradually the cylinder opens to a vast, radiating darkness. Looking about, you can barely see others like you. Though, this far down, no matter how hard you scream, no sound is made. Loneliness is to be consumed by this abyss. To have your emotions made numb, and your strength bled from you.

The way out, I have found, is to let go of the dense thoughts. It is not easy, and I fear for what I may lose by doing so. But, in accepting what has happened, I allow myself the possibility of something new. The chance not to be rejected, or undervalued.

The abyss is one we create. In actuality, we are the ones giving weight to our thoughts. A realization hard found in the moments of pain. Nonetheless, our resolve is measured by the abyss.

Having spent much time submerged, the dulling sensation now provides a slight comfort. Wallowing there lessens the sting of Life’s cuts. Giving time to build back up the will to try again.

It is okay to feel the way that you do, but do not hold onto the thoughts that weigh you down.

End Note

A family member recently asked me about the negative aspects to my posts. Before beginning this circumvention of a typical publication process, I decided to be the kind of writer that is honest in their work. Choosing not to wear the writing as a mask. Rather, have it be an expression of my thoughts.

As someone that is dealing with depression, and working through the emotions brought about by it, acknowledging this aspect of myself by way of writing is a means to unburden the worry and anxiety. I’ve carried them for so long, my mind could use the break.

By chance, if you the reader relate to what is typed and need someone to listen, I am willing to do that. I want their to be a connection between you and I. You’ve taken the time to read, and I will gladly give the time to listen.

The representations of loneliness may seem exaggerated, but it is an emotion I’ve felt for a long time, reinforced by years of experiences. In the beginning it was trivial, but no longer. It has followed me into a quarter of a century.

It is as if a seed has grown to become a looming willow, blocking the light from reaching me. Caught in it’s shadow, I can see others cast in the light’s warmth, just beyond my outstretched arms. I’ve become entangled amongst the roots. Forced to work hard at freeing myself, spurred on by the brief rays of sun that are allowed in through the shifting branches.

I envy you, those able to freely move, those easily embraced by the light.

End End Note

Well that got artsy fartsy. Guess I’m still working up to the coming post On: Me. Forgive me, I am still new at expressing myself publicly.

Typing this has left me feeling drained. That, or the fact I’ve only had bread, rice and coffee today is doing me in (half joking, I also ate a few apples); a choice mostly made out of convenience… I’ll eat better tomorrow, promise.

P.s. like the previous post, this is a summarized version of the concept. Its true form is better explored in stories.

Any way…

Till next time.

I am lonely… and will try to convey the ways I represent that in my writing and to myself. No, this is not solely referring to the kind of loneliness that has one searching the internet for free porn at odd hours of the day.

It is the the loneliness that has you adrift at sea. The loneliness that weighs you down in the abyss. The loneliness that strips you of your form, becoming a shadow on the wall; a thing that others merely glance over as they search for something they deem worthy of acknowledgement.

For context, this post was originally intended to be finished and made live last week. On my birthday. But, in typing, connections were made to other posts that I’ll finish at a later date. So, I became wrapped up in starting those while the will to was fresh. In order to have these released in a somewhat timely manner, it’s been broken up into three parts. The first being…

Adrift at sea

Imagine being in an endless sea. For the moment, the waves are calm. Hands cling to a piece of floating debris. You are alone. Nothing is in sight to urge you to swim towards. So, you just drift.

Eventually, someone comes into view, revealed by a lowering wave. You begin to swim towards them, calling out as you go. Nearing them, you can tell they’ve been swimming for a while. They take notice, and seem surprised by your enthusiasm.

When you’re both together, introductions are made. Your individual pieces of debris overlap, lending support to both. For a time you are together.

A moment comes when they decide to leave. They push away as waves rise up between you. You watch them drift until they are out of sight. And, you are alone again.

Some time passes; clouds build over head. Not long after it begins to rain, do you hear voices just out of sight. Afraid to face this storm alone, you desperately swim on.

Cresting a swelling wave, you catch a glimpse of two, four, five people gathered together. You call out for help as your body begins to tighten from the strain. Fearing they may ignore you, you force your legs and arms to go on. Pummeled by a breaking wave, you think it the end that awaits beneath.

Hands pull you up and drag you in close. Hardly a word is spoken between you and the group. But, they have lent you their support. It is how all of you ride out the storm.

Once it breaks and the sky clears way to a proud sun, introductions are made. After some time, though, the group separates. Two go off on their own, and two leave as a pair. Only you and one other remain. You’d think they would want to leave too, but you find yourselves drifting together.

This time is different. You are no longer alone.

That’s one happy scenario. But, seeing it play out multiple times and to different ends, does not take away the setting of being adrift at sea.

Perhaps these two stay together. Perhaps they even find a rare island that provides a reprieve from the sea. A life together built on this island. But, suppose eventually one chooses to leave. And, the other cannot bare remaining there. So, they too journey back out to sea. Because, it is at sea that they have the chance of meeting someone else.

Pulling back the perspective, you’d notice more and more people come into view. They are separated from one another by mere waves.

I feel supported when I have others. But, often this is fleeting. People come and go in our lives. The time we have together is meaningful, but when they drift away, the pain of being alone again, being left again… is overwhelming.

Endnote

There is more to say on this representation of my loneliness. But, I’d rather incorporate that into future stories. For now, this is enough, I think. Hopefully a week from now, On: Loneliness, The Abyss will be posted (fingers crossed).

Till next time.

Tag: Loneliness

On: Loneliness, The Abyss

On: Loneliness, Adrift at Sea